Vanilla Ice is a strong contender for the title of lamest rapper of all time, as any sane person who’s heard his 1990 hit ‘Ice Ice Baby’ (the one that sampled Queen and David Bowie’s ‘Under Pressure’) should be able to testify. Incredibly, Ice was also the first ever rapper to claim the number one spot in the UK singles chart.
The less well-known film, Cool As Ice, makes his case for the title of lamest actor of all time. It was made in 1991 to capitalise on Ice’s chart success, and has now been made available on DVD through distributor Second Sight, in aid of his “UK comeback” following a performance at this year’s Glastonbury (no, I hadn’t heard about it either).
In it, Ice plays Johnny, a rapper, dancer and the leader of a motorbike posse. After a night-long warehouse rave featuring a cameo from Naomi Campbell, Johnny and friends ride into a small town nearby, for undisclosed reasons. Along the way, Johnny spots the beautiful Catherine (Kirsten Minter) on horseback, and decides to woo her. He does this by riding his bike aggressively into the horse’s path, so that it bucks and throws Catherine onto the ground. Understandably, she’s not impressed, but by the next time she and Johnny encounter one another, she’s somehow smitten.
What follows is a basic small-town-girl-meets-bad-boy love story in the mould of Rebel Without A Cause, with disapproving parents and an uptight boyfriend providing the obstacles to their happiness. The story is adorned with Ice’s cringemakingly affected rap slang and a blaring hip-house soundtrack. As one glance at that DVD cover should tell you, what makes it worth a watch is that it’s unbelievably dated and unintentionally hilarious – and it wasn’t even cool at the time. It therefore makes perfect viewing for a night in with a few friends, a few beers and a healthy sense of irony.
Overall Verdict: It’s a 90s love story starring Vanilla Ice. What more do you need to know?
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Reviewer: Tom René