 Starring: Joan Crawford, David Brian, Steve Cochran
Director: Vincent Sherman
Year Of Release: 1950
Plot: The murder of gangster Nick Prenta touches off an investigation of mysterious socialite Lorna Hansen Forbes, who seems to have no past, and has now disappeared. In flashback, we see the woman's anonymous roots; her poor working-class marriage, which ends in tragedy and her determination to find "better things." Soon finding that sex appeal is her only saleable commodity, she climbs from man to man toward the centre of a nationwide crime syndicate...a very perilous position. |
They used to give movies good names in the old days. Film noir and gangster movie in particular are full of great movie names, many of which tell you little about the film but are wonderfully evocative. From The Damned Don’t Cry! (which is taken from a line in Eugene O’Neill’s Mourning Becomes Electra), Double Indemnity and The Postman Always Knocks Twice, to Angels With Dirty Faces, Scarface and Little Caesar, they sure knew what to call movies back then.
Nowadays films normally just have boring names, and even those that are quite memorabl are normally also ironic, such as Snakes On A Plane. But what are the best movie titles? Well, that’s an almost impossible question, but here’s my list of the top titles that either amuse or inspire me, or which I just think are cool. BTW I haven’t included The Damned Don’t Cry! in my list, because while it’s a great title, I don’t think it’s one of the top 10.
10. To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (1995)
Although the movie is only okay, I think this is a great title. It immediately draws you in because it’s both bizarre and rather intriguing. It’s also rather fitting for a movie where the main draw is Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes in drag, which is both peculiar and yet something it’s difficult not to want to see. It’s also probably the only movie title that’s also a letter.
9. Attack of the 50ft Woman (1958)
It’s a title that does exactly what it says on the tin – there’s a 50ft woman in it and she does attack. The film may be cheesy and silly, and the title is better than the movie, but the name alone is enough to draw you in. It doesn’t hurt either that it has a brilliant poster, bringing together the 1950s b-movies obsessions with monsters and mild titillation.
8. Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe (1980)
Another does what it says on the tin title, which is intriguing, whimsical and draws you in by being utterly bizarre. Made in 1980, the short film stemmed from a bet Fitzcarraldo and Heart Of Glass director Herzog made with Errol Morris that, if Morris ever made a film, Herzog would eat his shoe. When Morris made Gates Of Heaven – a documentary about a pet cemetery – Herzog made good on his promise. Les Blank filmed him eating the boiled shoe at the Gates Of Heaven premiere, while Werner carried on a dialogue with the audience on film, art, and life. It’s weird and the title of the short film is wonderful.
7. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Here’s a title deliberately designed to intrigue the potential viewer without them needing to know anything else about the film. The movie itself is atrocious, but has managed to live on through TV reruns and home entertainment releases, purely because of the bizarre intrigue of the title. At least the film does what it suggests, with Santa and a couple of kids getting kidnapped by Martians and then having to teach the aliens the true meaning of Christmas.
6. Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)
A title I think we can all agree with. It’s perhaps not surprising that exploitation movies are good at creating brilliant titles – after all it’s an entire genre based on enticing you in by taking thing to the extreme. A title like Surf Nazis Must Die ensures you know exactly what you’re gonna get. This 1987 efforts knows exactly what it’s doing, with a grandma taking revenge on neo-Nazi surf punks in a post-apocalyptic future after they kill her grandson. It may be stupid, but it has a great title.
5. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989)
This one went for the late 80s cheesy movie trifecta – with an extreme title, plenty of comedy titillation, and the presence of Shannon Tweed. Sadly the brilliantly evocative title is the best thing about the film, as otherwise it’s a hideously unfunny spoof. At least the following year’s A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell actually lived up to its exploitation promise, even if it is rubbish.
4. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
One of the longest titles ever for a mainstream movie release is also one of the best. It’s actually a fairly clever title that both tells you about the comic leanings of the film as well as being its first postmodern statement, playing on the West’s ideas of foreign people and their penchant for overly literal titles and inability to speak English properly.
3. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
Not only does this movie have one of the best titles, it also has one of the best taglines – ‘She Keeps Monsters in Cages for Pets! He Preys on Wild Go-Go Girls!’ How could you not want to watch a movie that offers all that? Unfortunately despite seeming enticing, the film itself is utterly atrocious, and is only worth watching if you get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, as their riffs on the flick are great.
2. Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)
This one just confuses me, because while the title raises a smile, it’s difficult to known who it’s meant to attract to the movie. Until you’ve seen the film you won’t know what potato men are, but even so they don’t sound like the sort of people where you’d want know about their sex lives. Once you discover it stars Johnny Vegas and Mackenzie Crook, you’ll probably want to know about it even less. The film’s not actually too bad, but it’s certainly got an odd name.
1. The Woman Who Needed Killing (1929)
I’ve never seen this movie, only the trailer for it, but every time I think of the title it makes me giggle. It shouldn’t come as a shock that it’s an old film from 1929 and that even back then it was thought the title was a bit extreme, and so it generally goes by the name, A Dangerous Woman. It’s also horrifically sexist and racist, with a British colonial representative and his wife sent into darkest Africa. It’s a place no woman should go, as she’s soon overcome by the horrific racial stereotyping and succumbs to jungle madness. The reason she needs killing is, of course, because Africa is apparently a black hole that sucks culture and civility out of people, and so if you 'go native' you'll start using witch doctor magic to ensnare men in your sexual trap, and then murder them! Thank God things have moved on since then, and we can have Avatar instead, where 'going native' is great, even if indigenous peoples still can’t save themselves unless a white guy comes along to help. Incidentally, The Woman Who Needed Killing stars Olga Baclanova, who was sensational a couple of years later in Tod Browning’s Freaks.
Honourable Mentions:
Amazon Women on the Moon (1987)
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters (2007)
Attack of the Flesh Devouring Space Worms from Outer Space (1998)
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? (1969)
Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1989)
Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Each Dawn I Die (1939)
Eight Legged Freaks (2002)
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (1991)
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)
I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)
I Married A Communist (1949)
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
Kiss The Blood Of My Hands (1948)
Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)
Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D (1991)
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
Satan Met A Lady (1936)
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (2005)
Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (1971)
The Fearless Vampire Killers or: Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck (1967)
The Man Who Wasn’t There (2001)
The Man With My Face (1951)
The Men Who Stare At Goats (2009)
The Night Of The Hunter (1955)
Zombie Strippers! (2008)
Any I’ve forgotten?
Note: The Damned Don't Cry! is currently only available in the UK as part of the Joan Crawford Signature Collection
TIM ISAAC
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