Okay, I have a confession to make. I am a 31-year-old single man who owns all three High School Musical movies. I also have Twilight, 17 Again, Enchanted, a whole slew of teen flicks from Mean Girls to Varsity Blues, everything Pixar’s ever released, and cartoons from Monster House to Happy Feet. Plus, to inspire me while I write this, I’m watching Todd Graff’s pre-Bandslam flick, Camp.
I realise that I’ve just destroyed my chances of ever getting a date again by admitting this, but I feel the need to make a stand because while there may be relatively few of us males old enough to grow a beard who like these films, it’s a tough life and I reckon we need some understanding.
Am I Unclean?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I went by myself to watch Bandslam (on the opening day, I’m proud to report). I walked through the cinema door and was making my way to my seat when I noticed a woman was looking at me. My first thought was that maybe she was thinking, ‘what a lovely, sensitive man, coming to watch such an uplifting, youthful film’, but then I saw her expression. I’ve never had such a filthy look in my entire life.
Just being a man on my own was obviously enough for her to think the absolute worst of me. It couldn’t possibly be that I enjoyed this type of movie, it had to be that I was getting my rocks off sitting by myself in an audience that included a lot of pre-teen girls. The woman’s ugly stare followed me right up aisle until I finally found my seat.
I wish I could report that this is a one-off occurrence, that there are few people out there who are ready to treat you like you’re one step up from a child murderer because you’re a grown man going to a kid’s movie by yourself, but it’s something I’ve had to get used to.
It's All Downhill After Your Teens
It was okay until I turned about 20. Up until them I could go watch the latest Disney movie at the cinema by myself and no one seemed to think anything about it. However as I aged and the world became ever more obsessed with paedophiles, the looks and stares have gotten ever worse. I’ve had parents openly whisper about me as I wandered up the aisle. I’ve had adults swap seats with their kids to put extra distance between me and their progeny (sometimes when they’re not actually anywhere near me). I even once had a father bluntly ask me what I was doing there.
Now maybe it’s just me and I look particularly like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or something, but I reckon it must be the same for every bloke who likes these sorts of films. That said, I’d imagine the vast majority of them have been put off ever setting foot in a cinema to watch anything rated PG or below, unless they’ve got a woman on their arm or some children to use as an excuse (“Goddamn it Daisy, we’re not going to watch Wolverine, we’re going to see Hannah Montana: The Movie and you’d better act like you’re the one dragging me there!”).
Fighting Back
But sod that. I refuse to be driven out of the cinema by people who treat me like a pervert just because I want to watch Twilight. I’m sure there are other men out there like me, most of whom probably frequent strange back-alley shops where they can buy under-the-counter copies of High School Musical 3 hidden inside a box for the film ‘Manly Men Shooting Each Other With Guns’, but I don’t want to have to do that.
I sometimes talk to my friends about my appreciation for tween films, and while many of them don’t seem to mind, there are others where you can see their brain whirring as they try to figure out who I should be reported to. I even had one friend suggest that I hire his daughter and go to watch these movies with her. It was a nice thought, but as I pointed, when you’re already worried people think you’re a paedophile, renting children probably isn’t the answer.
Violence Beats Innocence
And to be honest, why the hell should I have to be made to feel bad about it? The thing I particularly like about these films is that unlike most of the movies designed for for adults, they’re unabashedly innocent and positive. They’re generally films with a sweet, uplifting message that suggests there’s hope in the world. It may not be 100% realistic, but it’s nice to drop into that sort of universe every so often. It’s also true that, for me at least, many of them are a hell of a lot more emotionally satisfying than the endless streams of shitty thrillers and action flicks that spill out of Hollywood. Many of these movies, such as Enchanted, genuinely make you feel good when you walk out of the cinema, which is surprisingly rare.
However I realise that no matter what I say, my movie choices will be utterly inexplicable to most people. But then, I personally don’t get why people would voluntarily want to sit through a movie like Hostel or the countless other films where the main appeal seems to be in the gratuitous infliction of pain on the human body. It makes no sense to me, but no one treats fans of those movies like there’s something wrong with them. Enjoying gratuitous violence is fine, but being a grown-man who takes pleasure in the sweet and innocent is beyond the pale for many people nowadays.
What's Wrong With Hope?
I really don’t get why so many adults give these youthful movies such a bad rap anyway. A lot of tweenage and teenage flicks get pilloried for being fake and unreal, but a lot of the time I don’t think that’s as true as people suggest. Yes, there’s often a hyper-real feel to teen and tween films and they present situations that don’t often happen in real life, but isn’t that true of most movies? They also often deal with issues and emotions that are a lot more relatable than the majority of popular movies.
I have absolutely no idea what it feels like to be a father trying to get revenge because his daughter’s been kidnapped by human traffickers (Taken). I’m pretty clueless about understanding the emotions of mysteriously having visions of alien technology and then becoming central to a battle between good shape-shifting robots and bad ones (Transformers 2). And sadly I haven’t ever gotten really angry because I’m a mutant whose girlfriend has been murdered by my brother (X-Men Origins: Wolverine). Sure, I can enjoy those films, but few viewers are going to have a genuine emotional connection to them.
However I remember feeling young and confused about how I fitted into the world, which is what most kids/teen flicks are about. I, like most people, can relate to the trepidation of first romances, the desire to feel like you belong, screwing up because you’re young and stupid, and learning the value of friendship. And what’s wrong with having all that wrapped up in a package that gives you hope that maybe everything will be alright in the end? Surely that’s better than a movie where the only joy comes from the fact that while all their friends and relations have been hacked to bits by a crazed serial killer, at least one person survived (probably because they didn’t have sex).
Standing Up For My Rights!
So no, I will not be cowed. I will not feel bad about sensing my heart lift when all the penguins in Happy Feet join in when the misfit Mumbles starts dancing. I refuse to take some serious-looking book on the train with me when I’m actually enjoying New Moon at home. I’ll happily work my way through Dawson’s Creek DVD box sets. I’ll have discussions with my niece about whether Camp Rock is any good (I didn’t like it, but she did). I’ll go watch every movie Disney and Pixar release. I’ll buy tickets for teen musicals and family flicks. I’ll get excited when a new Harry Potter movie is coming out. And I'll do it proudly!
Yes my film tastes are massively broader than just stuff designed for kids, but why should I feel that my movie choices need to be constrained because of the people out there who would rather believe the worst of me than accept that I may be a grown man who appreciates child-like pleasures?
In fact maybe the world would be a better place if more people realised that growing up doesn’t mean you have to leave the simple joys of youthful entertainment behind you. After all, virtually all these teen, tween and children’s film contain the message that it’s okay to be yourself, and that’s all I’m doing.
Anyway, I'd better be off now as Gossip Girl’s going to be on TV in a minute (although I would like add – f**k you dirty look woman, I hope you had hated every minute of Bandslam). Rant over.
Writer: Tim Isaac
More Recent Articles:
Is The Terminator Franchise Cursed?
Why's Everyone Hating On G.I. Jpoe - What gone wrong between the studios and the press
Harry Potter Five-Minute Catch-Up
Land Of The Dead - The 10 Best British Horror Movie Of The Noughties
Who's Left From Hollywood's Golden Age?